I wonder what it feels like to be sure that you are loved.

I wonder what it feels like when your love is not given a deadline. What do people do when they think they have all the time in the world, and just live in the present? What does it feel like waking up every morning next to the person that you love and believing that there are many more mornings to come? I guess I would never find out.

This affair has always lived inside a timed paradigm. Each time, time stretched outward to accommodate my greed. So far, I have managed to build my happily ever-after bit by bit inside my head. Sadly, it has grown too big for this timed relationship. I have dreamt of details so real this little made belief can no longer support.

I envy these people. I envy the fact that they are only doing normal people thing. They wake up, they go to work, they are hungry, they get food. Some well-balanced ones will eventually have a house and some kids to keep them even more occupied.

I wonder what it feels like to be sure that you are loved. What a secure feeling it must be! People can only be freed when they are loved or fearless. I am neither.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You are the problem

I never want to be anyone’s problem
I tired very hard to not be anyone’s problem

I now sometimes forget that the person who says he likes me and sleeps next to me at night doesn’t want this weight on his shoulders too
I showed you the real me
You turned around and pointed a finger at me
And yelled, “You are the problem!”

I blinded myself for so long with all these feelings for you
I think about you before making any decisions
And what do I get in return?
You are the fucking problem

I am not the problem that you are incapable of caring for me
I am not the problem that you only think about yourself when making all your decisions
I am not the problem that …
I am not the problem

You hate that I blame you for all my sufferings
I think it is time to bring an end to these sufferings – both yours and mine

It is the time to walk away now
These are the signs that you have been looking for
Remember when 3 years ago you let yourself fall and you promised yourself –
No one is ever going to do this to you again

You deserve someone who is willing to make your problem their problem
You deserve someone who actually walk the talk and not just say they care
You deserve someone who will stay up with you when you can’t sleep
You deserve someone who would never point a finger at you or yell at you
You deserve someone who would run after you even when you are the one who’s wrong
You deserve someone who would go all the way to make sure everything is OK for you
You deserve someone who cares

It is time to walk away now
Book that ticket that you are always afraid to book
You will be alone for a while and you will be afraid of the silence and the dark
But that is OK
You are stronger than that
It wouldn’t be long until you enjoy the silence and conquer the dark
It wouldn’t be long until you notice a nice smile on a stranger
It wouldn’t be long until you put him behind

Yes it will be difficult
It will be as painful as your heart split into pieces
You will sometimes stay up all night crying and cry yourself to sleep
But you will be OK little fighter
You have always been brave
I need you to be brave now
I need you to look loneliness in the eye and tell it you are not afraid
I need you to book that flight home and face life with your best friend by your side

Cry my little fighter
You can cry all night tonight and remember when you wake up tomorrow
You need to put all these behind
You’ve come this far and that is impressive
But it is OK to be tired and it is OK to give this up

I know you still feel things for him
You still wish he would run after you and tell you everything will be fine
But no, things are not fine
You are braver than this
You can take these feelings with you on the flight and not cry on your way home
This memory will stay with you no matter where you go
You will forever remember how he lost his temper and said you are the problem
Because you are not the problem
And you deserve someone who don’t think you are the problem

You know I never really thought about it this way
That some people are too flawed or too messed up to be saved
I try
I try very hard on my good days to take care of everyone I love
But why am I so alone on my bad days?

I didn’t know better

I chased after a colourful kite against the bright blue sky.
I chased after the colours. I didn’t know better.

I held on to the stretching string to stop it from breaking free.
I held on to the string. I didn’t know better.

I broke the stretched out string and the kite broke free.
I broke the string. I didn’t know better.

On the road, I started to question why I left behind someone whom loved me and went after the ones that I could never please. I didn’t have the answer.
Perhaps it was my dream for a better future.
Perhaps it was my hopes for a home one day.
I chased after the colourful kite with stretched out string.
The string broke, and I was left there holding on a handful of empty hopes.

It’s time to get the fuck out of here.
It is the time when you brave the whole wild world.
I know I have people who love me to stand by my side.
I shouldn’t be afraid of all the possibilities.

I had a moment of weakness.

I had a moment of weakness.

I wouldn’t exactly say I was living my life, but I was getting by without thinking about you every other minute. I no longer had to sit motionlessly in silence and wait for the sadness attack to pass so that I could carry on doing whatever I was doing. I no longer had to tilt my head back to stop the tears from falling down whenever you popped up in my mind. I no longer had to cry myself to sleep, dream of your warm embraces and kisses on my forehead, and wake up with tear stains across my face and on the pillow. I no longer sleep with my phone under my pillow, hoping you would call in the early mornings. I no longer had to check my phone every 5 seconds for your texts that never came.

Then I had a moment of weakness.

Memories crept up on me and swallowed me up whole mercilessly. I felt your presence in the room and I swear when I listened carefully, I could hear your voice ring in the silence.

Writer’s block

A block sits at theĀ centreĀ of my brain
My heart is poetry, your face a refrain
The pen freezes mid air
Rhymes dissolve in pairs
Into the block, ink dribbles in vain

The stanza is hardly there
Punctuations scream despair
Scribbles on the paper keep me sane
Centuries of writers felt the pain